Sarcasm Central

Brown Recluse Rising in Cancer

Cancer Zodiac; photo of sky/starsI like it when my titles are so weird, you’re like…WTF just happened here? MY GOD! WHAT IS THIS? Well, this one is about how I’m a Cancer in the zodiac and according to Mr. VS I am also a recluse which happens to mesh quite nicely with me being a Cancer. Both really tie the room together, if the room is me and the room is absolutely a crazy disaster.

So it all started over the holiday break when I refused to leave the house for any reason. I love the house. House is where the home is, or something like that.

I stayed in obsessively because when I finally get to spend some uninterrupted time there (uninterrupted by work, that damn nuisance) I enjoy just chillin’ in the house by my lonesome doing whatever the hell I wanna. So I did just that, listening intently to my deep animal instincts which said, nest here at the house, stay home, hibernate, watch Netflix, read books, slowly clean the house in starts and spurts.  AND NEVER EVER CHANGE OUT OF YOUR NEW SWEET LLBEAN ROBE. It was either my deep animal instincts or some kind of weird laziness. Either way, I was told: It’ll be AWESOME!! And it totally was. It lived up to every expectation, except one…where…

Mr. VS decided that I’m a recluse who doesn’t like leaving the house. When he made this declaration I added a descriptor: I am a Brown Recluse, get your terminology right, Mr. VS! GOD!  I’m not just any old recluse, shut away, but in fact a BROWN recluse, hanging in my spider web, avoiding all the other spiders and creatures of the earth.

Now imagine a brown recluse dancing about the house in its sweet, never coming off, red plaid LL Bean robe which is super warm and snuggly. Awesome things are happening in your mind, right?! What a VISUAL!! I wish I had an actual video to show you of that monstrous word idea.

While I was being reclusive, I decided to investigate my reasons for being a depressive emotional reclusive pessimist. I also investigated why I am so damn lazy when home. Turns out, it’s not actually laziness at all! It’s MY MIND’s FAULT!! Then again, everything is my mind’s fault.  God I hate that guy. We’ll get back to that one later.

Anywhoo…I’m a Cancer. It perfectly explains everything. Cancers are emotional wrecks, prone to moodiness who also LOVE staying home! We’re the cranky crab of the zodiac who apparently is also empathetic and mothering! We’re SENSITIVE and CARING!

OMG…for Chrissy’s sake, make sure that knowledge doesn’t get out there! I’ll lose all my street cred! I’m not soft and squishy inside with a hard sarcastic profanity spewing outer shell! NO!!! Well…wait..that sarcastic part is actually true. I’m a bitter, angry, frustrated warrior ALL THE WAY THROUGH. That’s the story I’m sticking with.

I laugh because they always try to make even the negative shit sound nice in the zodiac.  It says…I’m emotionally complex.  Well if that isn’t an understatement I’m not sure what is! It also says that Cancers have a tendency to hold on to their emotions and remember everything, ALSO true. Hello lifetime of replayed TRAUMA!! I invite all the scarring memories into my heart, to be relived on a regular basis! I’m all like…hey let’s play that memory movie AGAIN! It was so painful the first time, it’ll be great on rerun!

It’s like I’m at the middle ages/renaissance store, and I’m all like…wow is that an emotional hair shirt I see there!? Yes? Thanks, I’ll take 7, one for each day of the week.

With that stunning plethora of imagery in mind, here’s a helpful list of Cancer traits:

Tenacious, highly imaginative, loyal, emotional, sympathetic, persuasive, moody, pessimistic, suspicious, manipulative, insecure.  I’d say this list just about describes this blog. I’ve been looking for a descriptive tagline for a long while, maybe I’ve found it?!

The only one I’m really questioning from this website is “dislikes revealing personal life.” Clearly someone with a blog cannot possibly dislike revealing their personal life. Perhaps this was set down by the ancients who had no idea that the internet and social sharing websites would be a thing someday? They had no idea how shameless we’d become as a species! They couldn’t imagine that the reclusive Cancer would be spewing their emotionally complex guts all over the interwebs while hiding out at home in their web of a house in an $80 LL Bean robe they received for Christmas.  How do I make things sound so appealing and delightful? It’s a mystery I’ll never unravel!

However, I say that, but clearly in “real life” I do dislike revealing my personal life to real life people, hence why I’m at home by MYSELF. Bingo again win.

HAHAHA, I laugh again at myself!: “fleeting emotional patterns that the sensitive Cancer cannot control”

I can’t control my “fleeting emotional patterns!” See, now I have an excuse for my temper tantrums!! I am truly like the brown recluse! Reclusive and BITEY!!  I WILL BITE YOU WITH MY FLEETING EMOTIONAL PATTERNS AND YOU WILL SUFFFER!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAMWAHAHAHA!

Cancer’s are also night owls, so check on that one too.  Remember how my alter-ego Satan’s girlfriend cannot stand chipperness in the morning…yup! Cancer trait, right there! Cancer’s also have a creative flair…so yup.  I’m a damn cancer, soft squishy innards, pessimism, moodiness and all.

So my tendency toward reclusive behavior also fits well. I am a proud brown recluse who loves the home!

Maybe later, if you’re lucky I’ll tell you about the laziness I mentioned above. I’ll give you a hint, it’s all about being so emotionally complex that you can’t get out of your own way and actually do something without being hog tied in too many damn feelings. It’s sort of like you’re paralyzed with swirling emotions and cannot function and don’t know which way to go. It’s pretty brilliant. But that’s for another blog post my darlings!

And with that I bring this weird post to an End because even a brown reclusive Cancer knows when things are getting out of hand (in a boring, lengthy, self-serving way) and need to be brought to heel.


WHAT! (Thank me right now for not posting a photo of a real Brown Recluse in this blog post.  *Shivers*)

Photo Credit: Juskteez Vu

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

2 Comments on Brown Recluse Rising in Cancer

  1. It’s nice to have Mr. VS help sum you up, so you know how best to describe yourself! I would consider myself a recluse spider too.

    Liked by 1 person

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