Sarcasm Central

The Happy Forgotten Place Where Plastic Lives: The Landfill

Landfill Song: All your trash is going to a happy happy happy place! Photo of girl with sunflowerRemember that place the so-called Landfill?

I know you’re like…”What? No? What place? I don’t recall anything like that.” (All said while avoiding eye contact).

Well, I’m here to point your attention in the direction of your local landfill, filled not with LAND but with plastic and unwanted junk. Remember that place?

I know, I know. This is you every time you throw something out (in a singsong voice of course):

“Not thinking about where this actually goes! It’s going to a happy place, a happy place, a happy place! Where all things go to disappear from sight!”

Okay, so yeah, that’s me too whenever I have to throw away a razor or a floss container or a toothpaste tube. My first thought is, of course, horrific war torn images of the local landfill, that pile of unwanted plastic junk that we hope will disappear. And you know what? It’s HARD for me to throw stuff away. It’s like some kind of opposite version of hoarding.

I’m hoarding stuff simply because the idea of it in the landfill is too horrific to think about. All that plastic that we hope will somehow “decompose.”

But will it? Will it REALLY??

Of course not! But you know that my second thought is…FUCK IT!! DON’T THINK ABOUT IT!! STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AND PUT IT IN THE TRASH CAN!!

I’m tricking myself. The Landfill is like an unwanted mental illness. Maybe, just maybe if you don’t THINK about it, it’ll go away and plague you no more? Maybe?

Of course that’s stupid reasoning, right?

Remember that annoying packaging you got? That plastic thingy you couldn’t open to save your life and 3 pairs of scissors gave their lives just to get at that flashlight you bought? That flashlight that was HERMETICALLY sealed against germs and alien invasion and really sealed against you as well. Was all that really necessary? For a FLASHLIGHT? Couldn’t we humans have packaged that shit in cardboard? Lovely obsessive-landfill-thought-healing-recyclable cardboard?

NO???? Well, nice, now that lovely piece of plastic is sitting in the LANDFILL and it’s not doing anything really. It’s hanging out, waiting for judgement day or something like that. It’s not DECOMPOSING like vegetables would or like MEAT would eventually do. I mean what does plastic decompose into anyway? Just smaller particles of plastic? How can that be good for things??

Newsflash earthlings…plastic isn’t natural. It doesn’t just…go back to the earth from which it was born. It wasn’t born FROM the earth, it was born in some god forsaken laboratory!

Anyway…I know you’re like…”While I throw this away, I’m not thinking where it’s going!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THE TRUTH!! It’s going to a happy place!!!” A REALLY HAPPY CLEAN PLACE!!

You’re certainly not going to let yourself think about the most idiotic human invention that’s continued basically unchanged into the modern age, the landfill. Why would you think about that eyesore of a place that shouldn’t be thought of at all? Because that’s the point right, out of sight, out of mind. Just put it in the ground and you’ll never have to think about it again! It’s GONE!! No, really, it’s NOT AROUND ANYMORE.

Cause you know if you let your mind wander, which is always dangerous (this is why our phones are saving us from actually THINKING things), you’ll start to think about how many plastic floss containers you’ve tossed in your day or the visual of the number of toothpaste tubes you’ve tossed. How big is that pile, just for me? Just the stuff I’ve bought and thrown away? The size of my house?

Naw!! Come-on!! Don’t FUCK with me!! Can’t be!!

But then my mind starts to do even trickier math-like shit (which is a really bad place for my mind to go). It’s like…WAIT…how many people are there on earth, ALL throwing away shit just like me??

Oh…My….God…Houston we’ve got a problem…

We’re riding some kind of bullet train to hell now. And we just can’t stop, can we?

I mean just one aerial shot of a big city in a TV show and I’m like…how can there be that many people on earth? NO WAY!!

Wait…that’s just ONE city??? With how many…??

But then I really think about it and I imagine all the people living in that city and all the trash they’re creating and throwing into the Landfill. Because there’s no other place for it. Other than you know, the ocean or city streets or pristine forests or maybe the grand canyon or whatever. It’s coming up LANDFILL every time baby!!

So….ummm…how is that um….sustainable? AND HOW is it that we haven’t fixed this this yet?

We can almost like cure cancer, but we haven’t figured out the landfill or how not to just buy plastic shit and throw it away. Like…why are people allowed to package t-shirts and sheets in plastic that cannot be recycled? I mean even the CEREAL must be inside a box and then INSIDE a plastic bag that you cannot recycle. It was like they started with the right idea and then things went right to hell. I mean I could really go crazy here with all the plastic we use on the daily that gets thrown right into the old landfill where it’s “gone from sight foreverrrrr!!!”

It really doesn’t pay to think about it. You’ll punish yourself. You’ll do like I did that one time, where I took all of the guilt of humanity onto my own shoulders.

Heavy, heavy burden people. I nearly..DIED.

So…I guess for the time being, it’s best to just go to your happy place and imagine that the plastic is living out it’s days in some kind of heaven on earth where it’s hurting no one and doing nothing. Or maybe it’s being TRANSFORMED magically into something else, something really really happy and nice.

Honey, that plastic bag is in heaven now, with grandpa. It’s kinda sweet isn’t it?

Tell yourself whatever little story works.

Especially when the trash lady comes to call. Just put it into the bag, get it out of the house and don’t think about it EVER again. It’s GONE MAN, It’s GONE!

Good little human.

About Victoria Sawyer (283 Articles)
Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

5 Comments on The Happy Forgotten Place Where Plastic Lives: The Landfill

  1. So, I have a scarier thought. Let me preface this with 1) I don’t believe the following applies to all Christians (or any other heaven-believing faiths), and 2) I don’t mean to disparage Christians (or any other afterworld believers) either … But did you there are Christians and other heaven-believing faiths that don’t believe the earth matters because “we” are all going to heaven anyway where it will be clean, pristine and trash-free. Just Google it if you don’t believe me or want to see if that idea is out there. It made me very discouraged the day I learned that people believe this. Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve heard that idea before. Not from anyone personally but in general. Seems to me that trashing the earth should be considered a sin in any religion! We all have to live here now and our children too! People have been thinking it’s the end times for thousands of years. Hasn’t happened yet, so maybe let’s keep the earth nice. Haha.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. … did you HEAR, not there …


  3. Homer, there's a family of possums in here! // March 15, 2017 at 1:11 pm // Reply

    Agree with Elizabet’s perspective. I have friends in an evangelical church, whose pastor never discusses our responsibilities to the Earth and lately has decided we’re all living in the End Times. Apparently that pastor didn’t say how he’s in the know. His church sings hymns about happily awaiting Judgment Day. Gimme a break is all I can say. I’m religious, not Christian (there’s a little joke there) and I know that Elizabet is right too that some Christians are on the front lines of preserving the environment and fighting global warming.

    I think pretty often about how we’re all wrecking the biosphere. But, really, I’d say it is the corporate obsession with gleaming-looking cleanliness (no more than one little bruise on an apple!) that’s the fundamental problem. I wish both food distributors and municipalities would get a lot smarter. Distributors can package more produce in biodegradable cardboard and less in plastic. They don’t, probably because they fear consumers will think the food isn’t well-protected from contaminating germs and stuff, so some education is needed. Municipalities need to go back to “olden times” and revive compost commons for our banana peels, and food we cooked but which fell on the carpet or we didn’t finish eating. Anyway that’s my rant. Please give high fives to your cat babies for me, Victoria. Thanks for your column.

    Liked by 1 person

    • High fives given! Haha. Yeah we definitely need more sustainable practices. I have my own compost but not sure how many other people have their own. Yeah there is an obsession with only selling perfect produce. Just heard recently that hannaford is starting to sell ugly veggies cheaper. Hopefully that trend continues!


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